EVEN HUGER coming-out-of-retirement announcement

Following Michael Owen's League Cup heroics against West Yorkshire giants Leeds United the other night, the English media and various punters have been calling for his reinstatement to the England Squad. And bloody right they should too.

"We've not produced a decent out-and-out goalscorer since him, and this proves he's still the best out there at what he does," they've inkily bellowed in unison.

"1-0 down to Germany in the final. Who would you rather a loose ball in the box fall to, him or Darren fucking Bent?" they add, putting you and your out-with-the-old fickleness in its rightful place. And your rightful place is anywhere but an internet comments section, where only the wise and brave may trod.*

Well we here at PLB would like to go one better than that and call for the reinstatement of England's finest living goalscorer, the one and only Robbie Fowler Alan Shearer Gary Lineker? GEOFF HURST.

Pic from guardian

So wickle Mickey Owen blasted a peach past the Argies in...what year was that again? Oh right, 1998. Hmm, Wikipedia's telling me France won the competition that year.

Sure, his two late goals for Liverpool against Arsenal in one of the most one-sided finals ever where the Reds got to lift old big-ears were something, but get a load of this - Hursty (do they call him that?) knocked three** past the Germans and ended up lifting the World Cup. That's the World Cup, bitches. Old skinny gold-body herself.

We tried contacting Sir Hurst MBE for his thoughts on our petition yesterday, alas his publicist told us he's currently too busy admiring statues of himself and acting as McDonald's Director of Football. I think the latter involves convincing aspiring athletes that Big Macs were the secret to his success.

Michael Owen was a great striker at his peak, and those are the moments for which he should be remembered. Without question he'd welcome another crack at the big-time, but unlike rock & roll where for some inexplicable reason retirement is a non-entity, there comes a time where you have to accept your best years are behind you.




* Oh I kid the internet. Leave us a few comments below FFS, won't you?
** Shut up, it counted.

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That's Bloody Criminal

Seven years ago today the football world lost one of its greatest ever. Few will disagree with that statement and it should be noted that not only are we here at PLB further immortalising the memory of Brian Howard Clough for his contribution to the game but even moreso for the size of his bollocks which we have no doubt are still very well intact even after a score in the grave.

Admit it, you wish you could get the sack and walk out in style as Clough did as portrayed by Michael Sheen in the following clip from "The Damned United."

Brian Howard Clough, we salute you.

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Savage Love-Hate

Image from bbc.co.uk

The commentators would never shut up about what a polarizing figure Robbie Savage was when he was playing in the top flight. "You know what they say about Robbie Savage - he's the player the fans of the team he's playing for just love...and the opposition fans love to hate!" A wind-up merchant of the highest order, he reveled in getting under his opponents' collective skins. At the end of last season, at the age of 36 and upon discovering Twitter, he called time on his career. His playing career anyway.

For some reason he is now more ubiquitous than ever. Every TV and radio station in the UK seems to employ him for his expert insight into the game. Here he is previewing last season's Champions League tie between Spurs and Inter Milan:



Well there you have it people. Some betting firm employed him to give his prediction, and he didn't cite a single reason to back up his tip. Didn't name a single player from either team. Hope you put the mortgage on that one.

And what are we to make of this?



Okay, haha, at this point I'm warming to the silly tit. He can laugh at himself, which is all we really ask of the halfwits in our lives. And now he's doing one of those retarded competitive dancing shows I never watch too. Christ on a bike, he is some glutton for attention.

But if you follow him on Twitter you'll see that he's as likely to retweet the love...

as he is the hate...

Wow. I had no idea about this Welsh murder-thy-neighbour stereotype, but it's nice to see Robbie can have a giggle about that too.

You could have trimmed those locks when Sex & the City went off the air, but you're sticking to your guns like a true maverick. PLB salutes you for your persistence if nothing else, Robbie. 

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HUGE Retirement Announcement

So I breezed through a story earlier about Luke Young announcing his retirement from international football, laying the blame at England manager Fabio Capello for not giving him a fair shot. It had somehow escaped my attention that he was ever an England player, I have to admit. In fact I had to do a Wikipedia search to remind myself who he even is. Oh he's a 32 year-old full-back at QPR and hasn't played for England since 2005. This is big news right here.

Which sort of reminds me, I'm turning 32 myself quite soon, and have yet to even be shortlisted for any of Giovanni Trapattoni's Ireland squads. I mean not even the friendly against Wales earlier this year for crying out loud. Did he not see my goal against Rogers' Accounting Firm in the Boston Ski & Sports Club indoor soccer 7-a-side league earlier that month? I knew I should have had someone Youtube it.

Anyway, Trap, if you're reading this I'd like to formally announce that I no longer wish to be considered for selection. In my advancing years and declining fitness, I really need to focus more on Team PLB's relegation plight and spend more time with my cats.

Oh and Jurgen Klinsmann, if you happen to be browsing this site looking for some tactical advice as I know you do, you might be aware that I also qualify to represent the United States what with me being a citizen and all. Well I'm sorry but I'm going to have to decline your gracious offer. Can't have the likes of Landycakes moaning about us foreigners coming over and stealing all the jobs now, can we?

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Thomas Verm-ailing and Samir News

It will come as no surprise to any of you who play fantasy football but Arsenal will once again be without the services of one Thomas Vermaelan for some time. The news is certain to prompt many fantasy managers to trade Vermaelen and then fly into a fit of rage when he returns earlier than expected to post a shut-out and score two goals.

Glass Tom is expected be out for up to six weeks after it was revealed that the Arsenal defender underwent surgery on an achilles injury yesterday.

Vermaelen suffered the injury against Udinese two weeks ago and the club had hoped he would not require surgery given his key role within the Gunners defence. It is understood that Vermaelen will miss the Arsenal's opening two Champions League group stage games and the north London derby at Tottenham on 2 October.

The former Ajax man missed eight months of last season with a similar injury .

Per Mertesacker, who signed last week, is now likely to have to step up to fill Vermaelen's place in the team over the next two months.

In other Arsenal related news and filed under: Schadenfreude, old pal Samir Nasri broke his hand while on international duty with France this week.

The former Arsenal player was introduced as a 75th-minute substitute in the 0-0 draw in Romania and did not appear to have injured his hand during the match at all. Rumour has it the travelling France supporters' lack of passion caused a softening of Nasri's metacarpals and the fracture occurred post-match while the midfielder was flossing his gigantic teeth.

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Breaking News: This Ashley Young lad is quite good!

I awoke quite early this morning to get to work as soon as possible and hammer out a backlog of shit that I had waiting for me. In classic style our software decided cock-up on us as I was in the thick of it so I figured I'd hop on over to my favourite source of Premier League ins and outs (no transfer pun intended), The Guardian.

Granted I may have already been in a crap mood due to the aforementioned situation coupled with the knowledge that I'd already taken in all available football podcasts, but what I saw on the front page really put me over the edge:

"Ashley Young emerges from the fog to give England a winger windfall."

No shit? Please do educate me! In this article, Paul Hayward goes on to praise the newly found England winger as if he had just burst onto the scene from United's academy.

If the Guardian's Football Weekly podcast (which I love) was not enough regular proof, Hayward's latest effort points to the obvious fact that the British media outside the West Midlands pays little to no attention to Aston Villa FC and the same can be said for just about any club outside the the top 4 or London.

Am I going overboard? Perhaps, but how the hell else would you explain Young's play at Villa (a team where his play out-shined his teammates as opposed to United where he is another phenomenal piece to an already outstanding line-up) not garnering this praise?

Correct me if I'm completely retarded but if Usain Bolt could outsprint cheetahs while wearing trainers, why would you hold off penning the "next great olympian sprinter" article once he's got a brand new pair of state-of-the-art shoes?

I'll stop moaning soon but I've been a fan of Young since his days at Watford and when Villa signed him I was over the moon. And unlike Stewart Downing, whom I still pray winds up on the wrong end of a Joey Barton lunge and snaps his leg in eight pieces, I was comfortably resigned losing Young to United and wish him all the best. He deserves every bit of silverware he gets there. But this repeated dipshittery in the media over him right now smacks of "wow! who's this new guy we've never heard of before??!! He's amazing!!"

You're right. He is. Ask any Villa supporter over the last four years and nearly every one of them would tell you the same thing. But I read less about how amazing he was prior to United and more about what a dive merchant he was and how he "wasn't quite there yet." Did it occur to these morons that Young's problem was not his ability but that he needed better teammates? Not a dig on Villa, but they're not United. Shocker, I know.

I guess it really doesn't matter how pivotal a player you are. If you're not at United, Liverpool, Chelsea, et al then you're not getting much credit. Seems really backwards if you ask me. Barry Sanders didn't have to put up with this shit.

Here's the article:

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Three Games in and Villa Missing the Marc

Some will be quick to point out that there have only been three matches played and that I'm jumping the gun here, but I think after three games I'm comfortable expressing a bit of concern. I say "a bit" because I do not support Arsenal. I digress.

It may also appear that this is a dig at the manager, but it isn't. I was not one of the many vitriol-spewing Villa supporters who likened the appointment of Alex McLeish to being anally violated while having sugar poured into the fuel tank of my new car. That said, I'm not from Birmingham.

So there you go. The chancer Yank Villan, the outsider doesn't get it. I don't get it.

There are many things I like about the guy. He's a tough bastard or as some might call it, Scottish. He's also one for getting a determined perfomance from his players and fostering unity in the dressing room. Villa have needed that and only got the former from O'Neill.

One area I am not so sure of is the McLeish style of play. Oh, sure. I'm pleased with the fact that the gaffer has tightened up the defence and it looks like the sieve that was Dunne and Collins has been repaired. That's big but defence does not win games even if that's what NFL pundits will tell you. Nobody wins at 0-0.

After watching Villa practically sleepwalk through 70 minutes of their derby clash with Wolves at VP, I find myself very concerned with the midfield. But I shouldn't be.

Up front we have Darren Bent who is clearly.. well, Darren Bent. The guy could score at the Pink Cadillac ffs. So much so that Eck has decided to leave him as the lone striker.

That stated, a natural goal poacher needs to be fed. The midfield in McLeish's 4-3-2-1 formation consists of N'Zogbia, Petrov, and Delph with Agbonlahor and Heskey ahead of them.

So what's my problem then? The curious absence of Marc Albrighton.

You see, with the myriad players Villa had out the door in the close season McLeish only needed to sort out just a couple of items. Get a keeper to replace Friedel (um, check, Very big check) and midfield replacements for Ashley Young and the Hypocritical cu.. erm, Stewart Downing.

Charles N'Zogbia was brought in from Wigan and the other vacancy can be well filled by rotating in Villa's many academy products. McLeish has chosen to give Fabian Delph a run. I'm a big fan of that.

I was initially bemused at this attacking midfield pairing but after seeing Gabby's performances along with knowing that the lad possesses plenty of speed I think this will be a good fit for him. He can't finish for shit but as a midfielder he need only throw it into the box and have a poacher like Bent scoop it into the net.

I should mention the goal Gabby bent in from the left flank... gorgeous.

It is the inclusion of Emile Heskey that I find most troubling. Why wouldn't you want Marc Albrighton on the other side? Young, determined, fast.. doesn't frequently end plays on his arse... all things that Heskey is not and a perfect one-two with Agbonlahor on the other side considering the Delph-N'Zogbia combo right behind them.

I find that I'm beginning to think that perhaps Emile Heskey is one of the nicest guys in the game. While on business in Rotherham I met a radiographer who used to work for Leicester City FC. He can't speak any more highly of Heskey. Perhaps that's the reason. And that he's a veteran.

Why else would three managers in a row insist on including him in the side on a regular basis? Sure, Emile chucks in the odd goal scored with the grace of a newborn giraffe but the guys's on his arse more than firing anything on goal worthy of troubling even the likes of Manuel Almunia.

It's not that Eck doesn't rate Albrighton either. He's subbed him each week. Twice for for N'Zogbia very late and once for Gabby when he got banged up against Blackburn. A game, I should point out, where Heskey scored with the aforementioned grace.

The Albrighton for Gabby substitution happened in a match they won 3-1. The match was also against Venky's FC so that's not saying much but what does say a lot is subbing for N'Zogbia who was up until the substitution leading the charge when Villa were putting the pressure on in the other two matches.

Two dour matches that ended in goalless draws. And not against top six chalengers.

Marc my words.. (shut up, you thought that was cool) the sooner McLeish drops Heskey for Albrighton, the better. Hey, they guy wasn't the face of Villa on their Hong Kong tour because he's a useless sack of shite. Did he not prove himself last year? What am I not seeing here? Am I mad? Can I end another god damned sentence with a question marc?

Let Emile Heskey play his days out as the geezer who gets subbed in late as third striker when you're going for the jugular.

The problem I have with the Wolves match is not drawing at home to a team that finished 17th and avoided relegation on the last day of the season. My problem is how Villa played to result in drawing at home to a team that finished 17th.

And the Villa should have 9 from 9. Pure and simple.

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It's made the rounds, this:

But for those of you who haven't seen the atrocity that is Blackburn Rovers' hocking chicken for their owners in a recent TV advert, then here you are:



About as cheesy as it gets, kids. There's selling and there's selling out. There's also doing it with complete and utter indignity. Case closed.

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Hargreaves to Man City. The inside scoop

Also, from talkSPORTmagazine *




*Thanks to jamule for the link

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'Arry left up the swannee again

It's been another rough week for dear old Harry Redknapp. Despite a glorious defeat at the hands of Manchester City, his North London nemesis Arsene Wenger has stolen his thunder yet again with a 2-8 capitulation under Manchester United. Bloody showboat foreigners.

What does Redknapp have to do to get some credit for his achievements? If you take into account his record over the last 54 matches (the number after which his predecessor Juande Ramos was relieved of his duties), you'll see they are practically neck and neck. Yet Ramos is remembered by the media as a trophy-winning continental genius while they can't even use the right kind of petroleum jelly on poor old 'Arry's nipples when conducting interviews with him.

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More Rovers

This video made me laugh. Some lads watching the Rovers match on TV, they were fairly happy when the penalty went in ("Just hit it down the middle, you won't miss I promise").
I think there's some sort of alien abduction around the 1:30 mark.

Probably a bit NSFW if you don't have earphones (swearing and screaming no nudity).

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Week 2 Round Up

Posted by @joey7barton on Twitter

Those of you who took my advice and are following Joey Barton on Twitter will have seen the above picture already when he tweeted it earlier. Joey's coming to London, where hopefully he'll resist coming in people's faces. This is a good signing for QPR, they need to strenthen the team and Barton is just what they need. Is it a good signing for him? That remains to be seen, but you would think that he's better off somewhere where he is wanted than somewhere where he is not (by the club bigwigs that is, no doubt the toon army wanted him to stay). There's better libraries in London too, so he'll be able to get more books to tweet about. In other QPR news I was talking to a QPR supporting friend in the pub the other day. He had inside knowledge on the QPR getting a midfielder with the initials JB on a free. I reckon that now that Barton has signed that it's unlikely that Jimmy Bullard will sign.

From one "Hoops" to another... (come on, that was pretty slick) The draw for the  Europa League took place earlier and the official PLB team of this competition, Shamrock Rovers, got drawn against Spurs, Rubin Kazan and PAOK. So we all get to look forward to the spectacle of Irish Spurs "fans" cheering for the English team in an Irish stadium against an Irish team. The debate is now on about where they should play. There's obviously potential for more money if they play at Landsowne Road, but I think it's better for the Rovers fans if they stay in Tallaght, although there are issues with the stadium being too small. Second choice for me would be the RDS, it's big enough, they could ensure the Rovers fans all get tickets and they limit the number of opposition fans, nothing worse than being outnumbered by the "away" fans. Anyway good luck to Rovers in the coming weeks and months. And as the bandwagon gathers momentum, here are a few key phrases for us new Rovers fans to start using
"Fucking barstoolers and event junkies taking all the tickets and then cheering for the foreign team"
"It broke my heart when we left Milltown but now that we're successful again I've come back"
"Well, Celtic and Rangers couldn't make it so this proves that the LoI is better than the SPL. PROVES I tell you, like some serious Perry Mason proof"

This was already posted but it's worth watching again. And it makes me look all multimedia and shit.

Jon Obi Mikel's father got freed by police, apparently the kidnappers wanted £2.5bn (yes that's BILLION) according to the Scum (warning Rupert Murdoch alert), that can't be right, can it? Even the widow of one of those former Nigerian Generals and Princes that seemingly have stashed away a KAJILLION quid in bizarrely hard to reach oil money, would struggle to pay £2.5 BILLION. The Mirror says they wanted £40k. I suspect it was somewhere in between.

That Spanish strike I was on about last week went ahead, I was in Barcelona during a general strike once. That was good, loads of strikers marching around, chanting, forcing shops and cafes to close (I got stuck in one for ages after I popped in for some breakfast), I'd imagine that for Cesc and the gang it was a bit more sedate. I still haven't bothered to find out what they're striking for, if you know share with the group (in the comments).

That nice Sir Alex Ferguson is being nice about Arsene Wenger again, you know you're in the shit when old red nose decides your not a big enough threat to slag you off in the media any more. I preferred it when they hated each other.

If I'm going to write a regular round up of the week, then I'm going to need a snappy title for it, so someone sort me out with one please, stick your ideas in the comments and I'll ignore them all. I'm also going to have to cut down on the booze if I'm going to avoid writing this nonsense at 2:30am on a Friday. And possibly pay attention to what is happening in the league.

Yes, I know I've ballsed up the formatting in the first paragraph.*
No, I don't know how to fix it.
Let's just pretend it didn't happen, yeah?**

* Fixed - Ed.
** No - Ed.

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Everton FC Announce New 3rd Kit

Everton chairman Bill Kenwright has recently laid bare the scale of the financial problems at Everton admitting that bankers have forced the club to reduce costs and have blocked additions to David Moyes's squad.

Furthermore, proceeds from recent player sales their former training ground sold for £9m, had been taken by Barclays to reduce debts of £45m.

Quick to stimulate income prior to the looming summer transfer window close, Everton have held a press conference earlier today to announce the launch of their new 3rd strip and a deal with five new sponsors.

The new kit features the same design and colour scheme as the current away strip and features the logos of five new sponsors (Pukka Pies, RyanAir, Facebook, Family Dollar and the US Army.) Though the latter was inspired by goalkeeper Tim Howard's 2011/2012 kit, it will not feature on the camouflaged uniform.

Another sponsorship point of note for the newly announced 3rd is the omission of the Chang logo that has been emblasoned across the chest of Everton kits for sometime.

Handbags with the clubs primary sponsor you might ask? Hardly. The removal of the Chang logo on the new 3rd strip was agreed after Everton and Chang renegotiated their contract to include stadium renaming from Goodison Park to "The House of Chang" as well as the the sweetener deal to have "the Toffees" nickname officially replaced by "the Chang Gang."

Kenwright made a brief appearance at the unveiling to note that this deal would not offend the Amauri people and that "muthaf*s needs to get paid up in here."

Okay, so I made that last part up.

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So, we'll go some more a-roving

Shamrock Rovers became the first Irish team to progress to the Group Stages of European competition in the history of things happening last night, beating Partizan Belgrade in Serbia to win 3-2 on aggregate. Pretty big deal, huh? Check out the equalising goal by Pat Sullivan:



Thwack!

Anyway my knowledge of Irish club football is fairly limited, so I decided to hit up my man Orieldude for more on just what this all means.

This is the big breakthrough that has been threatened for a few years. It proves the League of Ireland is a lot closer to the Scottish Premier than people realised. However no one will be under any illusions that Rovers won't most likely finish bottom of their group.  

The question is can they kick on from here in terms of using the income wisely, and what it means for the rest of the League - will Rovers be able to leave the rest behind? 

They also face a few pressing challenges - the group stage goes on 6 weeks after the end of our season and the players will be out of contract. They also don't have a squad capable of taking on the EL unless they bug out of the league, which they couldn't allow happen now. So they must spend a good portion of the cash now to retain their players and sign new ones of a high standard.

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Senderos reveals secret to Barton's game

Joey Barton's Twitter page may have taught us a thing or two we didn't know about the boy - a fondness for Smiths lyrics, Orwell quotes, right-wing politics, left-wing politics, and now a desire to enter the world of full-on blogging.*

But it seems Swiss defender (though Arsenal fans may use that term quite loosely) Philippe Senderos, currently at Fulham, may know a little more than the rest of us.



*Psst, Joey, if you're reading this we're looking for more writers.

Cheers to sixyardbox for the link!

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Hair raising stuff - Crouchie proves to be no snip

WHILE Millwall fans were, according to the Daily Mirror, heard to sing “no-one loots us, we don’t care” while assembled outside a pub in south London during the riots, 89-year-old barber Aaron Biber was less fortunate, his premises up in Tottenham wrecked by unwanted visitors.

Windows were smashed and several items stolen, among them cotton wool, a kettle and a 20-year-old hairdryer. Happily, a fund set up to help Biber repair the damage raised £35,000, so he’s up and snipping again.

One of his first customers last week was none other than Spurs’ Peter Crouch, who dropped in for a short, back and sides.

You have to say fair play to the fella, because a detail in the story hardly did much for his self-esteem: just about the only item not taken by the looters was . . . an autographed photo of Crouch. And seeing as it was hanging on the wall, it’s not as if they wouldn’t have spotted it.

Poor lad.

.

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Behind the scenes at the Champions League draw

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Nasri: GFY Arsenal!

File under: Another footballer who chose money over loyalty and can't just cash in on the oil money and STFU.

Samir Nasri unsurprisingly felt compelled to insinuate that his reason for leaving Arsenal was because of the supporters' lack of passion for the game. What a dick.

Yes, Samir.. the true mettle and loyalty of a fanbase is best measured when they're housing their opponents by a 3-0 scoreline.

From Footymad.net:

The 24-year-old France international claims to have already been struck by an enthusiasm from supporters he did not experience at Arsenal. Nasri completed his protracted move from the Gunners to City by signing a four-year contract at the Etihad Stadium on Wednesday.

"I can see they are really passionate and it reminds me a little bit of Marseille," Nasri told City TV after posing for photographs at Eastlands. "Arsenal have good fans but not that passionate since they moved from Highbury to the Emirates (Stadium)."

He added: "I remember when we played against City, when we lost 3-0, the crowd was amazing.

"That is what I want. When you play football it is for a good atmosphere."

Nasri was entering the final year of his Arsenal contract and the Gunners reluctantly decided to cash in after the former Marseille player made clear his desire to leave.

City appear to have spent most of the summer pursuing the deal and the player himself is pleased his future is now settled.

He added: "It is a big relief, it was a long negotiation and discussion between the two clubs.

"Finally I am a City player and that is what I wanted since the start, so I am really happy. I was a little bit frustrated, I said to the manager I wanted to leave.

"I wanted to do the pre-season with Manchester so I could know a little bit more about my team-mates. It was frustrating but it is a new start and I am looking forward to doing it."

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Luka Modric's Transfer Request

via Football Mad

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Wenger's big financial gamble

Editor's note: PLB's West Ham correspondent Frank The Hammer tried posting this blog himself, but sadly basic HTML has proved not to be his strength. We'll forgive him though seeing as he probably has better things to be doing in his day job as a barrister. Or was that barista?

Also, even though his title is West Ham correspondent, this piece is about Arsenal, since that's all anyone wants to talk about around here.


If Arsenal sell Nasri to Man City, the Gunners will have taken in about £60million in the last week. On top of this Wenger has been consistently bleating on about how the fans should be proud of the club as they are run so well financially.

What happens though if they don't beat Udinese and qualify for the Champions League? Will that cost them about £25-30 million in revenue? What also happens then if they don't make the top 4 at the end of the season, will that cost them another £25-30 million at the end of the year? So they could lose all their good husbandry money through lack of European qualifications, but on top of that, the lack of success in future years that a team with less quality will bring to the club will surely leave the club in a more perilous financial state.

So what is it to be, either have a lot of money in the bank now with an inevitable loom towards a comfortable mid-table team with no Champions League money and the decline in yearly revenue that will bring, or speculate to accumulate and consolidate that top 4 team challenging on all fronts with a happy, expectant and enthusiastic fanbase? Both seem to have a similar bottom line bank account but a different success outcome.

I know which one the Gunners fans would prefer.

Yours etc,

FTH

Next week's blog - why Kean and Pardew are this years "Avram Grant Patsy" award contenders

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Zombie Nerd-Babes to rescue struggling team

Spanish side Getafe have put a new video out where they appeal to their fans to make more fans. And not just through conversion, but through reproduction. Spreading the seeds as well as the word, one might say.
It gets a bit NSFW about 45 seconds in. Tits and so forth. Youtube might take it down at some point, in which case you can watch it here.



Now I already mentioned that I don't speak Spanish, so I'm going to have to go on visuals and vocal tone to comprehend exactly what's going on here.

We open with a desolate stadium, followed by some old-timey photographs of Getafe teams of yore. The narrator and music give me the impression something very serious is going on. A lone fan appears in the stands. He looks right and left, and then down at his crotch region, snugly enveloped in the smallest pair of jeans you have ever seen.

Then POW! We are looking at a bunch of swimming sperm-tadpoles, followed by a bunch of plastic cups. Now our hero is sitting in a waiting room somewhere. He's then called upon and handed a DVD.

On goes the DVD, and...boxing gloves? Okay, I thought I was doing okay without a translator so far. "Something something Rocky presents," it says.

Cut to an empty stadium again, except some guy is hosing the pitch. A symbol? He spots a missile overhead. That's a symbol too. I should have been a teacher.

All of a sudden we're in some sort of steamy club room with a trio of nerd-babes. They drink some water and it seems to have the same effect on them as the smell from the men's locker room does on that girl in Porky's or whatever that movie was. You know the one? Whatever. So now one girl grabs another's bum and our narrator says all dramatic and shit "ZOMBIES CALIENTES." Another nerd-babe with pigtails walks in and says "hola." That means hello. Then HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF JESUS cover your eyes children, the sexo zombies extra-terrestras do all kinds of unspeakable things to one another. One of them has a machine gun for some reason. At this point I'm wondering what the legends yesteryear's Getafe teams pictured at the beginning would make of all this filth. The title comes up and I'm noticing how the "i" in "Calientes" is shaped. I see what you've done there, guys.

Back to our hero in non-DVD world, who proudly grabs the cup and heads towards the business room, flanked by an army of other heroes. Hopefully they have separate rooms. Things could be a little awkward if not. Oh and look, now we're cutting to a newborn baby in a hospital bed with bright blue eyes. I really hope none of you guys started to pull down your pants during that sexo zombies part.

More shots of the heroes and the most triumphant music you have ever heard in your life is at a climax, and then there's a graphic of another sperm-fish heading towards a white circle. The circle turns into the Getafe team logo, making the whole thing look totally official. Then there's a little message saying (I think) something about donating at clinics de esperma.

While I can appreciate the fact that this is a business model that focuses on the long-term, I can't help but wonder one thing. Do genes actually play a role in which team you end up supporting? Sure, I ended up supporting Liverpool just like my father did, but that was more as a result of him saying "that's Ian Rush there with the moustache, he's brilliant" and so on. Had I come from the same original source yet ended up in a different household there's a chance I could have ended up a Manchester United fan. Yikes, never thought of it like that. Perhaps they're counting on teenage rebellion. "Oh really dad, you're going to tell me to clean my room? Fine then, it's Getafe for me from now on."

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Bundesliga Log

They usually tell you not to bring an umbrella along to a match, as it obscures the view for those behind you. Or maybe it's because umbrellas are for girls, I can't remember. Anyway, some Schalke 04 fans last weekend may wish they had dressed for the weather, forecast be damned.

From an article forwarded to me earlier,*

At their team’s match against 1 FC Köln over the weekend, some were showered with faeces and urine by the opposition.

And how might something like this happen?

The police confirmed on Tuesday that at least one person in the Köln fan block had been seen ‘placing’ faeces into a plastic beer glass and then throwing it at his rivals.

I believe this method of 'placing' is what the Germans call "sinking the Bismarck"

The solid organic missile was followed by at least two urine-filled plastic beer glasses.

I recall my friend Hoss tossing two urine-filled plastic beer glasses out the passenger-side window of an SUV on a busy highway at night once. I was in the car behind them and thought he had twice decided to pour himself a beer (that's illegal in Massachusetts while in a moving vehicle, kids) and then change his mind in quick succession. But I digress.

“We as a club obviously distance ourselves from these people,” said a spokesman for 1 FC Köln fans. “This behaviour is not acceptable. There cannot be two opinions on this.”

Leading my man Sean from the same email chain to assess "yeah, very obviously."


* Cheers, Meaux

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Moany Love

Caught the last 20 minutes or so of Barcelona vs Real Madrid last night. Spanish commentary. It kind of makes you have to work a little harder to understand what's going on when you don't have it dumbed down for you in your own language. Also the missus was on my case about getting ready to go out, so bear with me here. Anyway, Messi's finisher above? That kid's one to look out for, people. You heard it here first. LULZ.

Of course later on there was some ugliness, with a bad tackle followed by a melee. "Tsk, tsk, no one likes to see that," the Spanish-speaking commentators probably said. Oh please. I'm sure I speak not only for myself when I say a pack of overpaid morons slapping each other around is marvelously entertaining. Quit trying to tell us how we feel, commentators (if indeed you were doing that).

Unsurprisingly, Jose Mourinho's getting a lot of headlines this morning, with the usual cries of dirty tactics and arrogance and other stuff. I have to say I've always had a soft spot for him, if only because he's never boring (well in non-football terms anyway). The game is low on characters and high on dullards. Watch any post-match interview from last weekend and tell me I'm wrong. Then again, Jose sort of got to the point of self-parody during last year's Champions League, which is when it did get kind of boring. I mean there was point where I stopped watching every Al Pacino movie in the mid-90s, know what I mean? But then last night this happened:



The look on his face after he twists the dude's ear or whatever. Wow. Jose Mourinho, I salute your persistence in all its childishness.

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Week one round-up

(NIGEL RODDIS - REUTERS)


For those of you who weren't paying attention, the new season of the English and Welsh (Hello Swansea!) Premier League kicked off at the weekend. Except in Tottenham where the locals were too busy trying to fence their new found TV's, cheap sportswear and carpets to turn up for a match with Everton.

So what happened in week one? Well I'll let you in on a little secret, newspapers usually publish match reports after each game, so you can read those to get the details. They even have newspapers on the internet now. If you don't have a TV to watch the games on, and you can't afford to go to Tottenham to get one for free, well there's always 101 Great Goals for all your online video needs. I'm not here to give you facts and figures, any fool can do that, and besides I was in a really noisy bar when Match of the Day was on so I only have a vague idea of what happened.

No, let's talk about what's been happening off the pitch, instead of formations, and goals and all that shit. In these days of football as soap opera, that's what we all really care about anyway.

While the good people of Tottenham were boarding up their smashed windows and counting the cost of the theft of hundreds of pairs of white sports socks, down the Seven Sisters Road FC Barcelona were completing their own smash and grab. Yes, Cesc Fabregas finally moved back to Barcelona on Monday, just like he said he wanted to for the past two years. Barcelona, being dastardly foreign types, angered some gooners by tapping Fabregas up and then paying below what they think is market value for the player. This is obviously despicable behaviour, and should not be condoned, I mean, it's not like Arsenal took advantage of different EU employment laws and poached him from Barcelona when he was 16 is it? Anyway, ever since the transfer completed Wenger and Fabregas have taken to the airways to express their undying love for each other, blubbering and wailing like a couple of love struck teenagers. Get over yourselves lads, have you never heard of Skype? Man up for fucks sake.

The other big story is of course what I've decided to call the Barton Situation. If you are unaware of the Barton Situation, here's a brief summary: Joey Barton, battered a few lads, did some time in the big house, slagged off everyone at Man City, got shipped off to Newcastle, gave up the booze, discovered twitter, shocked the world by being apparently quite intelligent and pretty funny, quoting Orwell, Nietzsche and Morrissey, pissed off Newcastle for crticising their lack of spending, got kicked out of first team training. Then, surprisingly, he was named in the team to face Arsenal in the first game of the new E&W(HS!)PL. After a summer of controversy, you would think that maybe Joey would keep his head down and just get on with playing (which he's quite good at by the way). That's not the Barton way though early in the second half he got stamped on by Alex Song, who escaped punishment, until today, and then after Gervinho went down a bit easily, our Joseph lost the rag and dragged him to his feet by the front of his shirt, Gervinho reacted by giving Barton a bit of a slap and earned a red card for his trouble. So now Arsenal lose both players for 3 games and Joey is back being entertaining and having fights with Robbie Savage and some proper journalists on Twitter. I reckon Joey's going to be great craic all season. Basically if you don't follow Barton on Twitter, then you're not doing it right.

Elsewhere...

John Obi Mikel's father got kidnapped, which is pretty fucked up.

Leicester having failed to divert Robbie Keane away from the bright lights and giant signs of Los Angeles have now have had bid for Jermaine Beckford turned down.

And Raul has rejected a move to Blackburn. Note to Blackburn: he's Raul, you're Blackburn, seriously, you should have signed Keane when you had the chance.

To help ease Cesc Fabregas into his new league, the Spanish players have decided to go on strike, it's something to do with protecting their money, I don't know.

Inter have issued a "hands off" warning to Man Utd over their interest in Wesley Sneijder, so expect to see him waving a scarf around for the cameras at Old Trafford within a couple of weeks.

As the transfer window is still open, Harry "next England manager" Redknapp is definitely not wheeling and dealing, but he is apparently trying to sign Adebayor. I thought he had too many strikers already?

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The Master waggles his tongue

Leeds United chairman Ken Bates gets a bit TMI dude in slagging off those who wanted him to pull the finger out this summer, so to speak.

"The rebuilding of Leeds United is a bit like sex. In an age of instant gratification, Leeds United is having a long, drawn-out affair with plenty of foreplay and slow arousal."

You hear that, protesters? Master Bates has spoken. Quit being so damn selfish, and put it in your pelvis.

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Dear Theo

Arsenal and England winger Theo Walcott has a new autobiography, Theo: Growing Up Fast, out this week, and in it are a few "shocking" revelations about his times with the England squad. Here are a few of them, all swiped from Rory Smith's article in today's Telegraph:

• Wayne Rooney broke a cue in half because John Terry beat him at snooker.
• Some players deviated from their diets and ate grilled chicken once.
• Fabio Capello once shouted at poor Theo for making a mistake in training.
• He also threw a plate at Emile Heskey (okay, that one's pretty funny).

But for some reason it's no longer shocking that a moderately successful 22-year old footballer is already putting out an autobiography. The title almost sounds like a piss-take. I know, anything that gets kids to pick up a book and all. I'm guessing that's the target audience.

“There was something very stiff and starchy about Mr Capello’s regime before the 2010 World Cup,” Walcott wrote. “I found it difficult to be myself."

Stiff and starchy. Not bad. Let's the kids know that like them, Theo's not down with figures of authority keeping him from expressing himself.

“I had been injured so much that season that my confidence was fragile, but no one ever helped me. If you are the boss, surely you want everyone playing well and you want to encourage everyone. It killed me and I felt it wasn’t fair.”

I suppose this one's more of an appeal to the young people not to be afraid to express their sensitive side. Very difficult not to go down the "in my day, the men were men" route here. Yikes.

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This week's brand new Robbie Keane jokes

Psst - supporting Celtic and either Liverpool or Manchester United is pretty common practice in Dublin. They're big teams and play in different leagues.

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How to get fired from your job

"I have no time for lies and fantasy, and neither should you. Enjoy or die..."

Killer autobiography, John Lydon, but our daily lives are just too mundane to go without fantasy, or to believe in the lie that we know more than Premier League managers & chairmen.

Sign up for the all-new PLB Fantasy League and watch your futile dreams crumble in the surreal life too. The code to join is 41816-16899.

I'm gonna win.

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'Gas stuff, altogether

This is where we're supposed to thank Cesc Fabregas for his time at Arsenal. We're supposed to wish him well and offer no hard feelings. I'm just about as convincing in offering these platitudes as I am in approximating Irish English in accent and vocabulary. No, it's not His fault that Arsenal hasn't won silverware since the antebellum period. No, we wasn't ever surrounded with the type of talent that is required to thrive in the Premier League. He was never going to be able to do it all on his own and maybe that's part of why he wants to be a part of an ensemble cast for a little while. What many people are going to focus on is the fact that a team built around him fell just at the finish line time and time again.

But when was that ever part of the Arsenal way? Aren't Gooners secretly delighted in the misery of not being quite good enough? Granted, I slept through the first 110 years of that, but popular culture rarely lies about these things. So at a subconscious level, he gave us exactly what we wanted: the odd bit of excitement. Fabregas presided over what was supposed to be a short transitional period that lasted much much longer than anticipated because of a lack of winning. That's all there is to it.

The question that really matters now is: Is there such a thing as a 'winner' in football? If so, how can Wenger get it so consistently wrong? Patrick Vieira was a winner. Dennis Bergkamp, ditto. As long as we continue to keep score, then winning has to matter. Arsenal are clearly short on those. Presumably, there's a statistical metric to determine how a footballer contributes to wins. But if it was that simple, wouldn't a man with a Ph D in Economics be able to figure it out?

I don't think anyone at the club has the cajones to make a change at that level, so all we can do is hope for the odd bit of excitement. Someone else will provide it, and that's just the way it goes. And someday that person will break our hearts by leaving. I suppose that's what makes sport simultaneously so heart-breaking and so dependable. It's a constant cycle and without these low points the high points wouldn't matter nearly as much.

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We are back.

Sort of. PLB kind of missed the boat on the whole blog/social networking boom, so I guess we might as well bring it back so it can fail miserably at that too.

No forum this time around. Well not yet anyway, so just leave comments I guess.

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